


An Agent’s Lot Is Not a Happy One

by Airelle



Category: The Professionals
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-29 15:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Airelle/pseuds/Airelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As the title says...</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Agent’s Lot Is Not a Happy One

**Author's Note:**

> Written on December 14-15, 2011  
> Never published on the Internet, but will be on Proslib CD

“Oi, Bodie! So what ‘ve you got, today?”

“Hairline skull fracture, concussion. Got a knife in me back. Pierced my left lung, the bugger did! I dislocated my shoulder, and I’ve been shot three times: right arm, left thigh and bum.”

“Bum?”

“Bum. Don’t ask.”

“Did it hurt much?”

“Nah, not so much as it could have. Then I had a malaria attack, caught it in Africa - Angola, y’ know. Several minor allergies. To dust, to cat’s hair and to Swiss Rolls – hated that last one. And, I was forgetting, I’ve been raped seven times today.”

“SEVEN times?”

“Yep. By Krivas, Keller, Cowley…”

“COWLEY?”

“…You…”

“ME??????”

“…Macklin, Murphy and Anson.”

“Anson’s a good-looking bloke. You could have fared worse.”

“Did, didn’t I? Krivas, remember?”

“Oh, right. That one’s nasty.”

“And Anson’s cigar gave me a mild bout of pneumonia. Besides, I’m not too sure, but I may have contracted the heart worm disease.”

“What’s that?”

“Dunno exactly, but it looks… deadly.”

“Uh? Who would want you to catch that?”

“The H/C lot, obviously.

“More H than C, if you ask me!

“Then, there were several psychological problems, ranging from shyness to outright schizophrenia.”

“Ok, schizophrenic, I could understand, but shy, you, mate? Do they really know you?”

“Search me. But well, enough about me. What about you?”

“Oh, the usual. Got shot in the chest, bullet perforated my left atrium. Actually died on the operating table, but there was some kind of a miracle and I came back. Saw a bloke – funny, he did look a lot like you – who told me some gibberish, then ordered me to go back because Cowley spent a lot on my training and would kill me if I insisted on dying. Then I was beaten within an inch of my life, got a bullet in the thigh too – was nice, that, I got to faint in Cowley’s arms. Also, a broken arm, this time I _almost_ got to faint in _your_ arms, and I was raped, of course. Mostly by you. Then by All and Sundry, not to mention Anonymous. Got a brain-damaging injury or two. Then you hit me for the sake of that op and I got a bloody toothache. Luckily, with our recovery time being mostly off-screen or off-page, I didn’t suffer much. Except for the toothache. That was on-screen.”

“Ouch. But I did suffer a lot. B/D, you see?”

“As in Bodie and Doyle?”

“Nah. As in Bondage and Domination. Some of them are quite obsessed with my anal passage. Seem to think it’s as wide as the Mersey tunnel. Or at least, as well-travelled - on peak hours. _That_ hurt, I can tell you!”

“Being on-page, yes, I see. Well, don’t think my bum was spared, mate! You should have been there for some of the things those SM did… Wait! You were there! Guarding my rear, as usual, so to speak.”

“Guarding your _back_ , you mean.”

“Nah, my rear. Don’t ask. Then, of course, I wallowed in guilt for a few hours…”

“Over what?”

“Dunno… The invention of gunpowder? Strange, but that was all I could think about… Finally, I tried to get married. Failed, of course, and had a bout of depression, and then a stoppage. Cured my depression to see the bad guy in a heap on the floor, instead of being there myself. By the way, thanks for killing him, mate! “

“…?”

“And then, finally, saw the good news on the duty roster board! We’ve got a whole weekend off. Remember what I told you, about my posh girlfriend whose family owns a mansion? With horses, and all? And an eligible friend of hers for you?”

“So we’re off for a weekend in the country?”

“Yep. We can put all this behind us for 48 hours.”

“Nice indeed! But, Ray…”

“Yeah?”

“What if they follow us?????”


End file.
